The Wizardess of Eywa
by Hoplite39
Summary: When Neytiri's Hometree is destroyed by a tornado, she wakes up in another less than magical land. - Extremely silly Avatar centric parody based on the premise of the Wizard of Ozz. Only includes characters from Avatar who all act completely out of character. So be warned.


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN AVATAR OR THE WIZARD OF OZZ.

Neytiri was sitting in her Hometree, having a lovely evening with her family. They were joyfully singing songs and telling stories about the Wizardess of Ewya, a powerful sorceress who could make any wish come true. The suddenly, a huge tornado struck, destroying her Hometree and knocking Neytiri unconscious. When Neytiri woke up, she was in a strange land where there was blue sky and endless wheat fields stretching from horizon to horizon. Neytiri looked around her to find that there were other people picking themselves up from the ground.

Neytiri gathers everyone together and speaks.

"Hello, everyone. I am a beautiful Na'vi princess called Neytiri. Either that or I'm a red-neck called Dorothy? I can't quite remember which. Must be the concussion. Anyway, does anyone know where we are?"

"We're not on Pandora any more ladies and gentlemen." Declared Colonel Quaritch. "We're in Kansas. Remember that fact every minute of every day."

"Oh, dear. We all seem to have been transported to an alternate universe or perhaps a dream world." Said Neytiri thoughtfully. "And my Hometree was blown away. How can I get back to Pandora and find a new Hometree?"

"We must find the Wizardess of Eywa." Said an old woman called Mo'at. "She is a powerful sorceress. She can help you find your way back to a new Hometree."

"Yes of course." Said Neytiri enthusiastically. "The Wizardess of Eywa can help us."

Neytiri turned to the crowd.

"Are you all looking for something as well?"

"Yes, I am heartless person." Answered colonel Quaritch" I am looking for my heart. Will you help me find it, Neytiri?"

"Yes, of course." Answered Neytiri. "If we find the wizardess of Ewya, she will find your heart. Probably with a couple of arrows."

"I would like some courage." Said a dorky looking guy called Norm. "Will Ewya help me?"

"Of course she will." Neytiri reassured him. "After meeting the Wizardess of Eywa, you will be so brave that you will be doing suicidal cavalry charges against ranks of well-trained professional soldiers with high calibre automatic weapons in no time."

"And will she help me get some samples?" Asked Grace puffing away on a cigarette.

"And will she help me get some unobtanium?" Asked Selfridge as he putted a golf ball into a cup.

"And will she help me get some? Yeah!" shouted Wainfleet.

"The Wizardess will help us all." Declared Neytiri.

"Hi, I'm Jake Sully." Said an ex-marine in a wheelchair. "I can't use my legs. Will the Wizardess help me get my legs back?"

"Don't worry son." Said Quaritch. "We will find The Wizardess of Eywa together and she will help you get your legs back. Your real legs."

"Outstanding." Said Jake enthusiastically. "And Will the Wizardess help me fill my cup? It's empty I think. Or is it half full? I don't remember. Oh, and can the Wizardess help me to see? Although I'm not blind or anything. In fact, I have perfect vision."

"Er...right." Replied Neytiri. "I am sure the Wizardess can help with that. I think."

"And I don't have a brain." Jake continued.

"Yes, I am beginning to see that." nodded Neytiri.

"Will the Wizardess of Eywa help me get a brain?"

"Mmm. In your case , that's asking quite a lot, even for the Wizardess. But I'm sure she will do the best she can."

"And can the Wizardess help me fly a winged dragon and perhaps become Toruk-Makto?"

"For Gods sake, You really are demanding." Neytiri scolded Jake. "Give someone else a chance, eh?"

Neytiri turned to Mo'at. "And what are you looking for?"

"I want to see if Jakesully's insanity can be cured."

"Yes, well. Good luck with that one." Neytiri turned to Trudy "And what are you looking for?"

"I was hoping to get to the end of the movie without dying."

"Me too." Said Eytukahn.

"And me." Added Tsu-tey.

"And I would like a bigger part." Said Max

Neytiri looked at them doubtfully. "Mmmm. Aren't you all starting to be a bit unrealitic. The Wizardess of Eywa is very powerful But even she has her limits. "

"Aint that a bitch." Said Trudy.

"Yes. I think you all really need to manage your expectations." Neytiri lectured them. "The Wizardess is not a miracle worker, you know."

"But you said that the Wizardess would help us all." Interjected Jake. "That she is on our side."

"Oh, Jake. The Wizardess of Eywa doesn't take sides." Said Neytiri patronizing him. "She only protects the balance of power. Or is it the balance of payments? I forget."

"Oh, and I have another request, Neytiri." Said Tsu- tey.

"Oh for Gods sake. What now?"

Tsu-tey looked at Neytiri expectantly.

"I was hoping that the Wizardess could arrange for me and you to be mated for life at the Tree of Voices."

"Right. Now you are really taking the piss." Snapped Neytiri.

"OK, people." Intervened Quaritch. "I want to keep this mission high and tight. I want to be back for dinner."

"Yes, we should really get going." Agreed Trudy. "We're not allowed to do night-ops."

"Well, then. Let's boogie!" Said Quaritch.

Everyone links arms and starts to skip along a wide grey road. Everyone bursts into song...

"Follow the inter-state freeway. Follow the inter-state freeway."

"We're off to see the Wizardess, the wonderful Wizardess of Ewya..."


End file.
